By: Melissa Rice, Columnist

Hey Piedmont “old timers,” remember the good old days before they put WiFi in the dorms and we all used Ethernet cords? 

My freshman year I proudly bought the longest Ethernet cord people on the Internet sold.  It reached from my room on one end of my hall in GB all the way to the other side of the building. 

As it became apparent the WiFi issues this semester were not about to be solved, I dug the unnaturally long cord out of storage to see if it would help. And you know what, it didn’t. Trust me, it’s a sad day when you hunt for this age-old contraption, hoping against hope that it will help you do something, anything on the Internet, and that 60-foot yellow cord can’t even help you load your browser’s homepage. 

Have any of you ever, when struggling to access Moodle or cursing the lack of Netflix, thought about the long list of things that are faster than our not-so-high-speed Internet? I sure have. That list includes: 

Dialup

A turtle with a broken leg

The walk from Swanson 

Center to main campus 

Giving birth

The 100 Years War

The glaciers melting

A response email from 

Financial Aid 

A three-toed sloth

Getting our grades at the 

end of the semester 

A manatee 

The construction of the 

new student center

A 26-inning baseball 

game

The continental drift 

Checking out at Walmart 

after 10P.M.

A Bring It On movie mara

thon

I’d Google “things that are incredibly slow” to add to my list if I could, but that would take far too long on Piedmont’s Internet. Don’t ask me to do online work if I can’t on this poop Internet, and don’t expect me to survive on a dry campus if I can’t even load Hulu.