The Tofu: Pigeons over Piedmont

By TYLER DALE

As most Piedmont students know by now, our campus Internet is finally upgrading. 

You may have received the emails notifying you that Internet service may be disabled on campus while the upgrades are taking place, or perhaps you didn’t as a result of Internet service being cancelled while the upgrades were taking place. 

That would obviously be a problem. 

Email is our primary means of communication here on campus. Without access to it, nobody knows what’s going on. Microsoft Office 365 is frustrating enough when we have access to the Internet. 

Being without it entirely is nightmarish. 

But fear not; Piedmont has discovered a solution, and they’re calling it P-mail. 

They will be cancelling our email service and will be providing each Piedmont student with their very own trained carrier pigeon. 

The costs for the pigeons and their training will be factored into next semester’s tuition, so students can expect a rise in price to accommodate our new, feathered friends. Students will also be supplied one bag of birdseed upon checking into their dorms this spring. 

But much like our WEPA service, once you deplete the materials provided by the college, well, you’re on your own.

Piedmont ensures that the pigeons will function as a much more efficient means of communication than our confusing email program. 

All you need to do is write your message on a scroll, attach it to your bird’s foot, whisper some Hebrew words into his ear, and throw him out the window, praying there are no large, hungry birds flying over Piedmont’s airspace. 

These pigeons can also perform the same basic functions that one could expect from a standard email application. 

You can forward scrolls, attach photos or documents, or send out a mass-Pmail to all of your peers. You can even CC just like a normal email app.

Actually I don’t know how that would work, so scratch that. 

Regardless, rest assured that you will never again have a message unread due to the faults of modern technology. 

So, this January, when you come back to Piedmont and look out your window, know that those tiny white specks falling from the sky aren’t the signs of another Snowpocalypse, they’re just bird poop. 

The bird poop of freedom, liberates us from the oppression of a progressive society, moving us backward to a simpler, more peaceful time.