Piedmont University has suddenly experienced a rise in crime compared to previous low assault records. Some students at the university have recently acquired Splat guns, a full and semi-automatic weapon that fires “water-gel beads,” that have been known to cause bruising and intense short-term pain. 

According to Campus Police Chief Jim Andrews, “These weapons are an immediate threat to the well-being of our students. I don’t know why they [the students] want to shoot these beads at each other. Back in my day we used paintball guns, and those hurt more.” 

Other students at Piedmont U have taken a stand against the quick-firing guns. Junior biology major Jojo Croffie, who was born in Ghana, said, “I am so tired of getting shot. All of my friends have these splat guns, and I don’t wanna say they dislike me, but I’m being targeted, my guy. Is this what it means to be American? Was it racially motivated?”

“We’ve outlawed these dangerous weapons,” said Madison Smith, Director of Residential Living. “Are alcohol and drugs boring now? When did we make the push from love to violence?”

Even though she is not a fan of these weapons, she admitted to using one against a residential assistant herself.

Will other administrators use these weapons against students for punishment? What about parking fines? Will campus police use these on students who park in handicap spaces? 

Many things are left unknown, especially after an incident regarding the missiles blowing up due to the Splat guns.

This story is part of The Roar’s annual, comprehensive April Fools coverage of Piedmont University.