APRIL FOOLS: Got Issues? “Just Chill Out,” Experts Say

APRIL FOOLS: Got Issues?

At the “Going Crazy with the Doctors” annual conference, it was reported that all doctors agreed that mental illnesses were just in their patient’s heads. According to them, all that the patients need to do are take a deep breath, sit in the sunlight for hours (preferably without sunscreen) and just chill out.

“Yeah, they don’t really even the medicine I’ve been giving them, but hey, at least I’m getting a big paycheck from my clients for the past years,” said Dr. Stephen Lofton, a psychiatrist who has been going to the annual conference for ten years. “After all, sunlight is free. Prescribing patients medicine, now that I can actually make a profit off of.”

When patients of the doctors at this conference heard of this “new cure” for mental illness, they just had to try it! Cindy Fakeman, who has been suffering with severe anger issues was one of those clients. Desperate to cure her problems, she’s been bathing in the direct sunlight for ten hours each day. She’s been doing this for a week now.

“I don’t know if I’m hot-headed from anger or just from the heat of the sun,” said Fakeman. “However, I’m still hopeful. My doctor said if I just keep at it for another year or two by going outside and bathing in the sun every day, I should be cured by then.”

Jessica Plantson, one of Dr. Lofton’s clients, said this cure may even help her self-confidence. “At first when I got word of what Dr. Lofton said, I thought he was a mad man and that he lost his mind,” said Plantson. “This is crazy, it will never work, I thought. However, as someone who is extremely insecure and has been feeling anxious for a while, I knew I had nothing to lose. Surprisingly, this new cure changed my life. Am I burnt from wearing no sunscreen and being out in the direct sun for 70 hours a week? Sure, but I just know that when my sunburn turns into a tan I’ll be confident in no time. Problem solved. I just got to go out there every week with that mindset.”

Doctors in the pharmaceutical industry are extremely anxious that this will be a massive problem as they will lose substantial amount of money from customers no longer needing to buy medication.