What the poop is going on?

By Carmen Savelli
Contributing Writer

It’s 5a.m. My room is pitch black, and I’m dazed. I walk into my suitemate’s room to converse about the events of the previous evening.
I notice a peculiar odor emanating from under her door and a mysterious brown sludge in our bathroom. I whisper, “Jessica, wake up!” I
walk to the light switch, turn on the lights, and find myself standing next to a puddle of poop. “Oh my gosh Jessica someone pooped on
your floor last night!!” “What?!” She screams, “Someone pooped on my floor?” Jessica Tolliver, my best friend and an incredibly easy
target, becomes the first victim of Piedmont College’s own Du-Du Bandit.
Why might one enjoy sumo squatting on someone’s floor, you might ask? Personally, I’m unsure; however since the first initial attack
there has been several more reported poopings. Rumors have led us to believe that the pooper has struck in the following places:
1. Jessica’s Room
2. A Room in Johnson
3. A kiddie pool on campus
4. A hallway in Johnson
5. A hallway in New Bedford
6. A car
One individual on a popular social media site offers us a few possible explanations for what this pooper is trying to teach us, “Is the
Piedmont uni-pooper a vigilante? What does (s)he stand for? Freedom? Anarchy? A symbol of hope? We may never know. “ Could this
individual be trying to make a point about cafeteria food? Drinking to much coffee? Drinking to many adult beverages? One thing we are
sure of is this person must have indigestion. Another question I have is what is worse: waking to find a new decoration on your floor or to
find the pooper squatting?
Another question you may have following these reports is who is this mysterious pooper and who could be next? Keep an eye out and
monitor your friends, your family members, your teachers, and those working on campus. Feel free to only dress in black or camouflage
doing undercover work until the Piedmont Pooper is caught. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Lock your doors. And report
any new or suspicious brown findings to your new Poop-orter, yours truly.