The Tofu: Piedmont’s inaugural intramural hunger games

BY TYLER DALE

In honor of the Nov. 22 release of the film “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” and to cut the costs of maintaining our growing student population, Piedmont will be sponsoring its own intramural hunger games. 

Beginning Nov. 1, students can channel their inner Katniss Everdeen as they compete against one another on a massive scale to represent various clubs and departments in a violent battle to the death. 

Whichever team is left standing will receive a grade of “A” in each of their courses taken during the 2013-2014 school year. They will also not be dead. 

The spirit of competition is almost palpable in the mountain air as teams gather in secret to discuss plans. 

Because of the discreet nature of these meetings, nobody knows for sure what anyone is planning, but you can be sure that the lacrosse team is sharpening their sticks, the chemistry department is mixing their poisons and the mass communications department is preparing nasty things to say about their competitors on television. 

The only official statement regarding strategy that I received came from the theatre department, who said bluntly, “We have saws.” 

Analysts have started making their predictions, ranking the cross-country team as the most likely to survive because let’s be real, those guys can run forever. 

Not far behind them are the baseball and lacrosse teams, as expected. 

Surprisingly, the political science majors have clenched the fourth seed, with “stubbornness and charisma” cited as justification. 

Debate is hot concerning the placement of education majors with many analysts saying, “People willingly dedicating their lives to teaching middle school can survive anything.” 

No matter what the analysts predict though, one thing is for sure: over the next few weeks, Piedmont students and faculty should be prepared for all-out chaos. 

Nobody on campus is safe. Once November begins, the life of the average Piedmont student will become a lot more stressful and potentially a lot shorter. 

My advice: take cover. Use whatever tools necessary in your various departments and clubs to survive. 

Sorry English majors, you guys are out of luck.  

Start making friends with the nursing majors now, and as always, may the odds be ever in your favor.