Melista: Excuses, Excuses

Written by: Melissa Rice

 

You know how fun it is to talk to technical support on the phone, right? 

Well I’ve been doing a lot of that recently because Dell screwed me over when I bought my laptop’s warranty and it’s just now coming back to bite me. I spent a lot of time on the phone trying to figure it out and then realized I was just officially screwed. My only option was to buy a new warranty. I told them sure, I’ll upgrade my warranty even though you’re all stupid heads, when in reality I have no intention of doing so. Miss Dell Tech Support said she would call back in a few days to check to make sure I’ve upgraded it. 

Since then I’ve been giving Dell the runaround, hardcore. Any time they call, I’m out of town, not available, just getting out of the shower, having an allergic reaction or something crazy so they can’t get an answer from me. Therefore, they have to continue to call me back until I close the complaint. That’s how you stick it to a huge company, you waste their employee’s time with lame excuses. 

As a result of my passive aggressive behavior, I have come up with lots of creative excuses to get someone who you don’t want to talk to or hang out with to leave you alone. Next time you want to avoid contact with a person, try out one of the following excuses:

 

You’re going into labor 

 

You’re duct taped to a wall

 

A large zoo animal has blocked the door to your dorm and you can’t get out

 

You’re getting arrested

 

Someone chopped off your leg

 

They updated the student contract to make social interaction illegal on campus

 

You accidentally got high on bath salts and don’t want to risk eating their faces

 

A basilisk is attacking you 

 

Your phone battery is dying and all the electrical outlets have been super glued shut

 

You’re late for your online class

 

You’re really busy writing a list of excuses

 

You drank a bath tub full of water and you can’t stop peeing everywhere

 

You’re naked and you’ve lost all your clothes

 

I suggest using that last one when the RAs show up for room checks and you haven’t hidden your shouldn’t-be-illegal-but-still-is blender to buy yourself some more time. Good luck being hilariously rude and cleverly antisocial.