By TYLER DALE

As many Piedmont students have noticed recently, our wetlands, located under the bridge to the Swanson Center, have grown much larger than they have in years past. 

Wondering why this has been happening, I decided to investigate. 

And as it turns out, a top-secret project is being conducted by Piedmont’s science department to turn campus into a real-life “Jurassic Park.” 

Over the past few weeks, several students have reported seeing snakes on the bridge while walking to class. 

This is only the beginning, folks. 

Soon we will see T-Rexes peeking out over the foliage and pterodactyls flying overhead. 

The science faculty expects their prehistoric endeavor to be completed by the end of this school year. 

I know that this sounds awesome, but Piedmont students need to remember: dinosaurs are really scary. 

The many dangers and perils of the world before humanity are about to hit us like a ton of bricks, and I’m not just talking about shoddy WiFi. 

Students walking to class will now be in constant danger of being violently devoured by a massive reptile. 

The average student’s daily commute will transform into something akin to a giant game of “Temple Run.” 

The only difference it that it will be much less addicting than the popular game because you probably won’t have sufficient time to develop an addiction, because…well…you’ll all probably be dead soon. 

So start working out, I guess. 

You’re going to need it.