APRIL FOOLS: Lost Piedmont faculty found in alumni plaza time capsule


The site of the future alumni plaza, where a large time capsule was found containing Piedmont’s missing professors.

Rowan Edmonds, Managing Editor

FAKE EDITORS NOTE: This is a fake edited version of a fake earlier version of this fake story. 

When students came back to campus last fall, many noticed several changes among faculty – notably, many were missing.

“I registered to take classes, but when I came back to campus none of my professors were there,” said sophomore Jessica Sconyers.

After asking around and getting no answers, Sconyers decided to take the matter to SGA, who offered to help.

“We scheduled a meeting with the Provost, but he never showed up,” said SGA President Leo Galarza. “Not sure what to do next, I went to ask our adviser, but realized he was missing, too.”

Both Sconyers and Galarza began to get concerned, so they approached then-President Mellichamp. “He told us he never heard of those faculty members and that we were imagining things,” Galarza said. “Then he threatened to sue us if we talked. We know Piedmont already had so many pending lawsuits, so being good Lions, we stayed quiet.”

Turns out Sconyers and Galarza were not imagining things, as all of Piedmont’s missing faculty members were uncovered last week. While Shook’s Landscaping was doing digging for the installation of the alumni plaza, workers noticed a strange metal device poking out of the ground. They kept digging and surprisingly uncovered a time capsule. Immediately, professionals were called in to excavate and open the capsule.

History professor Al Pleysier was on site to help identify potential artifacts. “I remember them planting a time capsule when the institution was founded on Sept. 1, 1897,” Pleysier said. “It was a grand occasion. I put one of my derby hats in the capsule.”

Unfortunately, Dr. Pleysier’s cap was nowhere to be found. However, all the professors that were missing were found … albeit a little confused. Time apparently froze for the trapped professors. “We were all meeting to discuss the idea of installing a time capsule at the alumni plaza,” said perplexed math professor Michael Bergland. “We were touring the capsule, and then all of a sudden this happened.”

With all the missing professors now found, the college will work to reincorporate back into campus life. “There is a great footprint out there for getting people back into society who have seemingly been frozen in time,” President Marshall Criser said. “Marvel was able to do it for all its citizens after Thanos’ snap. There’s no reason we can’t do it here at Piedmont.”

The college is hoping this historic moment will generate some national publicity, and help provide some much-needed fundraising, as soon as Piedmont’s public relations director comes back from her long vacation.

This fake story is part of The Roar’s annual, comprehensive April Fools fake coverage of Piedmont University.