In lieu of recent flooding from storms, Piedmont University president Marshall Criser plans to replace the well-known helicopter that belonged to our former president, James Mellichamp, with a submarine. The helicopter is being put into retirement. 

“I am so excited to see my submarine I ordered off of Amazon,” said Criser. “I bought the yellow one because I like The Beatles. I hope it’s chargeable because that would be a real inconvenience if it wasn’t.”

Where Criser got the money to pay for this submarine is up in the air, but rumor has it that this aquatic vehicle is the reason why tuition has increased for the fall of 2023. This is to cover the cost of diving gear, the submarine itself and a diving crew, in addition to the implementation of the U.S Deep Defense Team to aid in the training process. 

“You know, I have always wondered why tuition has never been a static number,” said junior Madalyn Williams. “I have been here since 2020, and to hear about the insane purchases our school makes, I finally understand and completely support it.”

Criser, who has yet to receive certification to operate the underwater vehicle, plans to make a debut at the Habersham Aquatic Center. For that reason, the two swim teams will be required to share the pond that is visible behind the Piedmont Cafeteria so that Criser can experiment with his new toy in a contained environment. 

The highly hopeful Criser shares that after he has mastered the ability to operate his yellow submarine, he will bring staff and students on board to join him in investigating the wetlands beneath the foot-bridge. So if you happen to see a yellow periscope peeking out of the murky waters, be sure to give our president a wave!

This story is part of The Roar’s annual, comprehensive April Fools coverage of Piedmont University.