APRIL FOOLS: Piedmont Swim Team Composed of Supposedly Mythical Creatures?


PHOTO// Richard R. Schünemann on Unsplash

Leandro Forero, Staff Writer

In 2019, the Piedmont Swimming team was created (and again in 2022), and Coach Jim Peeples, Piedmont athletic director, hired Coach Theodore Guyer to lead this team to victory. Ever since both men and women had successful seasons, the men’s team won the conference in the 2020-2021 season, and most recently, the women’s team won the conference in the 2022-2023 season. At first, no one knew that Piedmont had a swim team until they smelled chlorine in the commons, and all the food was gone. But now the truth is out: they are mermaids?!

“Wait, we have a swim team?” said senior sports communications major Nathan Mix. “No wonder I see puddles of water everywhere I go; I sometimes slip and land on my butt. They smell like chlorine; it’s like they live in the pool. Come to think of it, they are mermaids. That’s crazy; I thought mermaids weren’t real, but Piedmont’s swim team just invented them.”

Crazy is right. The swim team loves to be around the pool because that’s how they live and absorb those chemicals for muscle power and speed. They don’t need weights; they have deadly chemicals to make them win every meet. Peeples didn’t know they were mermaids until he went to one meet and saw gills on their necks like Harry Potter in that one movie.

“I was like, what?!” said Peeples. “When I was at the meet, I was like, where are the hidden cameras? Because I thought I was on a hidden prank, show like Ridiculousness. Wait, is that a show? Never mind, I thought about shutting down the team, but when I saw them talking to fish. I was so interested and always wondered what fish were thinking about, which was pretty cool.”

Peeples was still in shock that he had athletes who are mermaids at Piedmont University. The only one who wasn’t shocked was Guyer.

“Are you serious, y’all didn’t notice the gills on their necks,” said Coach Guyer. “When I saw that they were mermaids, my initial thought was, I’m going to be King Triton from The Little Mermaid, and all these swimmers are my Ariel. Also, whenever the swimmers get into the water, their legs turn into dolphin fins, and that’s how we beat out the competition. My swimmers can breathe underwater and swim fast underwater; that’s why we are the best. Even though the men’s team came second at conference this year, our women’s team are champions.”

So, the truth is out; the swim teams are mermaids. Don’t be afraid when you see them waddling down the halls; they are either trying to get to class or go to the pool.

This story is part of The Roar’s annual, comprehensive April Fools coverage of Piedmont University.