In a recent poll done by US News and Bumps and Humps Weekly, Piedmont University ranks at the top of the list of all colleges and universities in the United States for having the best, most effective speed bumps.

“We take safety very seriously here at Piedmont,” says Piedmont University Campus Police Chief Jim Andrews. “We heard a lot of complaints about speeding through those areas, so we went to the city of Demorest. They sure as heck fixed it!”

The speed bumps are a foot high and two feet long, causing anyone who respects their car to slow down.

“We tried to call Guinness for them to check them out and see if we broke a world record,” says Piedmont President James Mellichamp. “When they picked up, they said they didn’t have an actual award for ‘largest speed bumps’. It’s a shame really. I mean just think of the notoriety!”

The speed bumps have understandably had mixed reviews among both students and faculty who frequent the roads. The main worry is for the well-being of their vehicles, and the costs that would come with fixing them if they were to hit one of these speed bumps a little too quickly.

“I always remember to slow down when approaching those speed bumps on my way to class,” says sophomore biology major Maxwell Shaughnessy. “I’ve heavily debated on not bringing my car next semester at all!”

“I went over one of those bumps the other day; pretty sure my wheels and axle need realigning now,” said one anonymous professor who simply goes by the surname Dinoco. “It’s crazy! With how many times I go over those things, I swear I pay more on fixing my car than students pay for their entire tuition!”

Piedmont students thought college was hard enough! Little did they know that classes weren’t the only big bumps in the road they’d face.

This story is part of The Roar’s annual, comprehensive April Fools coverage of Piedmont University.