Everyone on campus is buzzing about the new dorm being built. From what we can see so far, Mystic Hall is pretty big and is supposed to be housing many incoming first-year students, and the students could not be more excited. However, Mystic Hall will be much more than a freshman dorm; it will also be Piedmont’s first on-campus nightclub.

“We have been wanting to spice things up on campus for a while now,” said the Head of Residential Life, Madison Smith. “Mystic Hall doubling as a freshman dorm and a nightclub will provide party experience for incoming freshman, but it will give students a safe space to let their freak flag fly.”

Piedmont University’s reason for turning the new dorm into a nightclub is primarily for safety. Students won’t have far to go if they want to party and have a good time, and with the freshman acting as bouncers, they are sure to learn the ins and outs of going to a nightclub.

“The decision to make the freshman as bouncers was a difficult one,” said President James Mellichamp. “However, the best way for them to learn while they’re still underage is to be there to experience it first hand. Clubbing and alcohol can be dangerous, so we want to put our students in a situation where they can observe and know what to do in case of an emergency.”

Piedmont hopes to help the freshman understand what it is like at a nightclub, and acting as bouncers is the best option for this. They will check IDs at the front door, take covers when required, and deal with any drunken foolery. Different first-year students will work additional nights. It is a win-win situation for all. All incoming Piedmont students will perform at the nightclub until they are 21, and after that, they will be able to party safely. The upperclassmen who have never worked as bouncers will be perfect examples of what not to do, thus teaching the freshman.

“I think it’s a great idea,” said senior Samantha Carvallo. “I wish Piedmont had done this when I was an incoming freshman so I could learn nightclub safety and not punch people, but I’m excited to be a good example of what not to do when in a club!”

The freshmen who work will have the simple job of cleaning up after the club closes, and because Mystic is doubling as a dorm, all they have to do is go back upstairs at the end of the night. It is a straightforward solution to teach underage people the dangers of clubbing, how to drink responsibly, and how to be safe.

People under the age of 21 will not be permitted to enter Mystic Hall unless they are specifically told to work that evening or live there. Be safe and drink responsibly!

This story is part of The Roar’s annual, comprehensive April Fools coverage of Piedmont University.