Swanson Center Set to Secede Piedmont College (April Fools)

Swanson Center Set to Secede Piedmont College (April Fools)

Written by Laura Alyssa Platé, News Editor

As the result of a unilateral decision made by the student leadership of the theatre and mass communications departments, the Swanson Center will be seceding Piedmont College effective July 1. During the emergency meeting which was called by the Nathan Blackburn, Executive Director of the student media and Marion Mealor, President of APO, students voiced concerns about the distance between main campus and Swanson and how much of an effort it takes to make it to classes across the bridge. 

“I don’t know dude, it’s just so far,” said junior mass communication major and Assistant Station Manager for z98.7FM Savannah Richards during the meeting.  “Those extra 100 yards really add up. I just want to be able to go to all my classes in this one building like high school.” 

At the end of the night, a vote was called and it was unanimously decided the best course of action for the building and its students was to secede the college. Professors learned of the decision in an email that went out to the affected department chairs. 

“While we are grateful for the opportunities Piedmont has provided the Swanson Center since 2007, the members of the SLC and APO have decided that it is time to move on,” the email said in part. “All great empires come to an end, and this is the chance we have been waiting for.” 

 When asked about the decision, both Professor Bill Gabelhausen and Dr. Joe Dennis were stedfast in their dedication to the needs of their students. 

“We were shocked when we read the email, but I believe in the voice of our students,” said Dennis, the current department chair of mass communications. “They know what is best for their education, and I would be lying if I said Bill [Gabelhausen] and I aren’t excited about our new titles of Court Jesters.” 

The students did take strides when creating the governing structure for the newly chartered Swanson College to assure that power would be more equally balanced between the two departments. Students did so by creating new titles for Dr. Kathy Blandin and Dr. Melissa Tingle. Beginning in the Fall, they will be the Queen-Doctors Blandin and Tingle respectively. It is understood by the RawrXD that these women will retain their former positions, but will now be monetarily compensated for mothering their anxious students and sighing “really heavily” when their coworkers “make their lives more difficult than they need to be,” according to several sources.

“We’ve known for a really long time that Queen-Doctor Tingle was a queen,” said senior mass communications major Alyssa Gibson. “I’m glad she is finally getting the recognition she deserves. I just wish I would be here long enough to experience her rightful reign.” 

Students in the theatre department echoed these thoughts about Dr. Blandin and expressed excitement about the possibilities that come with creating an entirely new college. 

“Most of the little things had strenuous debate amongst the leadership teams, but no two things were immediately as clear as the need to break away from Piedmont,” said senior theatre arts and mass communication double major Marion Mealor. “Kathy and Tingle should be crowned, and that the fight song should be ‘Sick Em on a Chicken’ by the Zac Brown Band.”

The mascot was determined by the theatre students who acted out their choices before taking it to a vote while the branding for the new institution was done by students in Dr. Van Cantfort’s advertising class for a grade. Swanson College will be known to all as the Ghosts and will rep their silver, grey, and black colors proudly once they establish athletics teams, though it is yet unclear how the students plan to finance the new college. 

“Let’s be real,” said junior theatre minor Kerilee Pruitt, who will be making the move to join Swanson College in the fall. “Theatre kids? Mass Comm kids? Not the athletic powerhouse side of the school. But maybe we can get a quiz bowl team going. We have D1 hopes and dreams for interpretive dance too.” 

The RawrXD reached out to John Robert’s office for comment on the unfolding secession of Swanson and received the following email:

“It is Piedmont’s policy to not comment on ongoing issues on Piedmont’s campus.”