APRIL FOOLS: Chair of Mass Comm Department to be Replaced by Actual Office Chair


When the fall semester of 2018 came around, Piedmont’s mass communications department saw a shake up, as Dr. Joe Dennis replaced Dr. Dale Van Cantfort as the chair of the department. However, things are about to shift once again, as it has been announced that, for the 2019-2020 academic year, an office chair will replace Dennis as chair of the department.

The reasoning for this seemingly rash decision came from Dennis not being able to perform his wide array of duties as the head of a department, a professor, being involved in several on campus organizations and as a part time DJ.

“It was a lot more than I could handle, and I realized that pretty fast,” Dennis said. “In fact, about the second day of the school year is when I just mentally checked out. Like, I’ve been gone this entire time.”

In addition to not being able to properly manage his time and energy, Dennis also was accused of attempting to create required courses that had little to nothing to do with mass communications. An ‘Intro to Kesha 1101’ course was found on his proposed curriculum, which was quickly shot down by his fellow faculty members.

“There was no way that was going to get in,” Dr. Melissa Tingle, assistant professor of mass communications said. “There was even a course centered entirely on the right ways to wear a fedora. Just awful. Seems like he’s drinking too much of that, ‘purple Powerade,’ if you smell what I’m stepping in”

An elective class, Dennis’ take on ‘Driver’s Ed,’ was also proposed. This was reported to be the class that was the fastest to be shot down by the fellow faculty. When students caught wind of this rejection, they breathed a sigh of relief.

“I’ve been in the Piedmont van with him multiple times,” Hadley Cottingham, sophomore English major said. “He’s the last person to teach any kind of driver’s ed. There’d be a lot more accidents on the roads, let’s just say that.”

When Dennis’ proposed classes were rejected, he was reported to have run out of the faculty meeting, loudly crying. Eyewitnesses claim he locked himself in the faculty bathroom and cried for thirty minutes, which included a phone call to his wife, in which he called his fellow professors ‘mean, stupid jerks.’

“Yeah, not my proudest moment,” Dennis said. “But you can’t tell me you wouldn’t take a class all about Kesha. I mean, come on. You would, wouldn’t you?”

Once it was decided that Dennis was not fit to be the chair of the department, the search was on to find a timely replacement. Benjamin Thornburgh, executive director of the student leadership council for mass communications, was immediately considered for the position, but declined due to being ‘too busy dying my hair.’ Luckily for the department, a qualified applicant came in a rather literal form; Dr. Maxwell Office, an office swivel chair with a Ph.D. in Journalism.

Office has a long list of previous positions, including assistant professor of journalism at Berry College and licensed chiropractor. His RateMyProfessor.com statistics bode well for him, as 83 percent of his previous students wrote favorable reviews. Dennis seems weary of his successor, but Dennis’ predecessor has high hopes for Office’s leadership capabilities.

“I think Dr. Office will be a wonderful addition to our faculty, and a qualified leader,” Dr. Dale Van Cantfort, former chair of the mass comm department said. “He’s rather shy and silent, but I’m sure there’s more to him than what first meets the eye.”

Office declined to comment for this story and is reported to be preparing for his new position by ‘taking the time to lean back and relax.’ As for Dennis, he has decided to completely retire from Piedmont and focus his time on his true passion; developing a line of fashionable fedoras that won’t be rejected by the public as quickly as his proposed classes were.

“All things come to an end, and I guess this is just the end of my time at Piedmont,” Dennis said. “But I’ve still got a whole new chapter of my life ahead of me. I’m going to put all my time and resources into this line of fedoras that I’ve been sketching out for a while now. Oh, and spending time with my wife and kids too. They’re important, I guess.”