“You need to be humble.”

A phrase I have heard my entire life, something so true but unbearable to hear in the face of success. 

I have always found myself excelling at something, whether it was sports or in the classroom; there has always been something to celebrate. However, the celebration quickly came to a halt once word of accomplishment hit the dinner table.

“I’m proud of you, but…” they said. The dreaded “but.” There is nothing more disheartening than having a loved one redact a compliment. An overwhelming sense of disappointment rushes over me. I know that I have said too much. I sounded too happy. I was not humble. 

So, I never talked about success with my peers. Of course, when it came up in conversation, I would boast about my exam grade or score in a recent golf tournament, but I was immediately hit with guilt. Guilty that I was arrogant. Guilty that I allowed myself to be proud of my own work. Guilty for success.

 Those struggles never went away. As I continued to be aggravated time and time again by demands of humility, I found myself pushing milestones and goals I had achieved further and further away from the surface. Eventually, and to this day, I struggle to acknowledge my accomplishments.

As I entered college, I realized I no longer had someone physically telling me to stay quiet, but they were still there, sitting on my shoulder.

It is now junior year, and it is time for me to talk about my success. I hold every scoring record on the golf course at my university. I have won seven golf tournaments and have more than a handful of all-tournament finishes. I qualified for the NCAA National Championship as an individual.

“I should stop here,” I tell myself.

I won my conference tournament as an individual. I am the best-ranked World Amauter Golfer in NCAA Division III. I am an All-American and an All-American Scholar. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA for three consecutive semesters. I have won an award for my journalistic writing. I have accomplished so much. But when someone brings it up, I blush, try not to smile, and say, “It is not a big deal.”

The worst part about this is that I have started to believe it.

I have scrapped every accomplishment in my life up to something that is not worth bragging about. When I look back on all of the goals I have reached and the mountains I have climbed, I realize that I never stopped and let myself enjoy it.

Humility is deemed admirable — it is avoiding arrogance. But humility leads to loneliness and the craving for something more. We set these goals for ourselves, and when we reach them, we sit in silence. What is the point of working towards something if, when it is over, we just move on? Burnout becomes inevitable. We start to believe that we are unworthy. Unworthy of the success we have had and unworthy of accomplishing anything.

But I have realized something. The lesson was not to dwell on my success and move on. Instead, relishing my success with integrity. Being humble is not the same as being boastful. Boastfulness fuels fires among others, and being humble lights the fire within.

So, I will no longer allow myself to sit doe-eyed in the face of a compliment or praise. Instead, I will reply, “I did that.”