Members of the Piedmont community are no strangers to slow internet speeds, and now the introduction of AI professors has completely occupied what little data remained. 

“I’ve had to show up on campus an extra 2 hours ahead of class time just to respond to emails,” says professor of history Dr. Ryan Franklin. Unfortunately, the slow internet speeds have prevented the professor from receiving the email informing him that he is being let go, effective immediately, and will be replaced with an AI counterpart. 

The professors are not the only ones feeling the pains of the slow internet speeds. Students have been struggling to turn in homework assignments as well. The ol’ “my dog ate my homework” excuse may be tired, but wait until you hear about “the internet won’t load my Canvas page.”

Luckily for Piedmont, new president, Marshall Criser, appeared just in time to rediscover the use of carrier pigeons to remedy the issue. The scruffily gray birds were once renowned for their skilled delivery and return skills; having been used during wartimes in France, they are sure to brave the Piedmont University airspace without concern. 

Gone are the days of unreliable “e”-mails, we are now returning to the tried and true “p”-mail. The carrier pigeons will also be responsible for delivering homework assignments, campus newsletters, surveys and confidential documents like payroll and tuition checks. 

Some have expressed concern about an influx of bird poop covering the campus. In response, Piedmont has trained and equipped Shook’s Landscaping team to clean up after the winged beasts. 

The final pressing concern is where will the birds be housed? 

Despite the growing concerns surrounding parking on campus, Piedmont has decided that the parking lot designated as the Swanson/Johnson residential lot will be demolished in order to build a new pigeon coop. The coop will be state of the art, with automatic release timers, food and water dispensers and air conditioning. A student I.D. will be necessary in order to access to coop.

In addition to the technology fee increasing to make up for the cost of AI instruction, Piedmont is introducing a new fee that will cover the costs of pigeon housing, upkeep, an on-campus veterinarian and a set dollar amount associated to your student I.D. for postal pigeon usage. 

Say goodbye to the days of slow internet and the stress of your Canvas page loading before a midnight deadline and say hello to the future of communication: pigeon postage.

This story is part of The Roar’s annual, comprehensive April Fools coverage of Piedmont University.