Breaking News! As of today, April 1, 2023, NCAA commissioners have decided that a highly discussed and relatively controversial event is being added to the official collegiate track and field event list. Effective immediately, all programs in the NCAA are expected to follow strict guidelines involving large amounts of sass and confidence. The “3000m Hot Girl Walk” as they’re calling it, is the newest addition to the collegiate track.

There has been lots of noise surrounding the debates held at the top level on whether this event should even be considered. Advocates for the “Hot Girl Walk” have had to be outspoken and firm with their desires. Piedmont Track and Field Coach Jamie Jimison and his staff are among this group of supporters and stand by the addition of the event to this year’s CCS conference meet.

“I can’t even tell you how relieved I am at this great news,” said Jimison. “I have a knack for training runners who keep a little sass in their pocket, and I’m already reaching out to contacts about investing in the best equipment for practice.”

Rumors surrounded Jimison earlier in the season when officials claimed he requested they play “Cognac Queen” by Megan Thee Stallion as athletes warm up for events at the Myrtle Beach Challenge on Mar. 10.

Reporters have tried to get close to Jimison to confirm or deny these questions, but Assistant Sprints and Jumps Coach Remel Williams alongside the Field and Throws Coach Brian Gawne have been insistent on handling the media themselves.

“I’ll be honest, one time my headphones accidentally connected to Jimison’s phone on the bus, and I listened to a playlist full of City Girls and Flo Milli for like two hours,” said Williams. “The guy is just meant to coach this event,” followed Gawne. 

The 3000m Hot Girl Walk presents an interesting challenge when deciding how to prepare for the event. Some of Piedmont’s endurance runners already in the 5000m and 10,000m training programs plan to adjust their current development to welcome and further connect with their more “yassified” side.

“While my posture and step cadence has been a work in progress, the raw ability to pop my body in all the right places has always been there,” shared Jadon Gonzales, a sophomore with some great spunk. “I will be the best Hot Girl walker this school has ever seen.”

Star thrower Allie Feltus hinted at maybe even changing event groups in order to get her piece of the action. “ I love my field events, but how am I supposed to just look past this opportunity to strut my stuff?”

Piedmont as an institution will largely benefit from being successful in this new contest, specifically because all eyes will be on the Division III team who can “serve” the best. Lions’ Athletic Director Jim Peeples is so stoked that he’s offered some major incentives.

“I’ll drop a brand new track down literally anywhere on this campus if these athletes can sweep the Hot Girl Walk at the conference championship. The red lot by the Commons may not stand a chance!”

Be sure to catch this monumental “3000m Hot Girl Walk” in competition as part of the CCS Championship held in Belhaven, Mississippi on April 27. On behalf of all Piedmont University’s Track and Field athletes and coaches, this news means there is only one objective for the rest of the season: slay.

This story is part of The Roar’s annual, comprehensive April Fools coverage of Piedmont University.