As the 2023 spring semester is coming to a close, the declaration for a new spot opens up – the chair of the mass communications department. Dr. Joe Dennis currently holds the title, but the other professors are getting antsy to claim it for their own. However, this year, things are going to be a bit different. 

“I was hesitant at first when I heard we had to wrestle WWE style, but I think it will be a great way to blow off steam,” said Dr. Dale Van Cantfort. “I’ve been working at this university for a long time and have a lot of beef with some of my colleagues. A tussle for the chair’s position is the best way to decide who deserves it. I’m confident I’ll win.” 

Each professor has spent weeks honing their skills, costumes and names. The matches will take place bracket-style, with the overall winner taking the title of chair of the MCOM department. On April 15th, ‘Double Down Dale’ and ‘Muscle Moss’ will brawl, the winner going on to the next stage. That same day, ‘Joe Mama’s Boy’ and ‘Huff-Huff Hudgens’ will also wrestle it out. This match is highly anticipated as both professors constantly battle each other for advisees. Finally, on April 16th, ‘Melicious ‘Mel’ Jackson’ and ‘Tear ’em Down Tingle’ will fight for the title of the chair and their names. 

“We have the same first name,” said Dr. Melissa Tingle. “There’s only room for one Melissa in the department, and it will be me.”

The professors are excited to get their fight on, and they’re not the only ones. 

“Laura Hudgens is a ruthless woman who I know for a fact can tear apart anyone any day of the week,” said junior mass communications major Matt Kodrowski. “My money is on her.” 

Kodrowski is one of the many students assisting in putting on the WWE-style fight, even announcing the battle the day of. 

“I’ve been announcing sporting events at Piedmont for a while now, and I’m super excited to be announcing this too,” said Kodrowski. “I’ve been practicing specifically for this moment.”

Kodrowski is a WWE fanatic and has been watching every old WWE video he can find to be on point for the matches. Connor Creedon and Aaron Palmer will be behind the cameras broadcasting the event for the enjoyment of all departments on campus, Hannah Osborne is reffing and Caden Nelms is filling in as the card girl. 

“I’ve been preparing my entire college career for this,” said Hannah Osborne. “Honing in on my skills in announcing and directing to fulfill this momentous occasion.” 

When asked if he felt his position was threatened, the current chair had a lot to say. 

“I’m not worried,” said Dennis. “These guys are losers. They won’t know what hit them until it does, and it’ll be me, Joe Mama’s Boy.” Dennis then proceeded to bark like a dog as an intimidation tactic. 

The first round of the WWE-style wrestling event is on April 15th at 9 p.m. at the Piedmont University quad—best of luck to the contestants. 

This story is part of The Roar’s annual, comprehensive April Fools coverage of Piedmont University.