Invasion of the Signal Snatchers



Cable and Internet issues have plagued Piedmont’s dormitories over the last week. Yesterday, further sabotage was discoverd: frayed wires in one of the main server rooms.

“After thorough investigation, we believe we have identified the source of the issue,” said the special issues investigator. “The frayed wires match the work of the same perpetrators responsible for an array of other incidents, who, of course, will be dealt with swiftly: Purcellian Ants.”

Purcellian Ants have a long history of causing disturbances at Piedmont, ranging from upsetting mothers of freshmen during fall move-in to a rumored involvement in the fires in Stewart Hall and the library. However, after spending a reasonable amount of time in the Getman-Babcock Disciplinary Chambers, it was believed the Purcellian Ants were reformed.

The Ants were mysteriously unreachable for comment, even near their most frequented hangouts: the game room microwaves and the tipped-over trash can in the stairwell. An official statement from campus police was not attained before publication deadline, but they have been known to openly frown upon repeat offenses.

With accusations flying over the Ants’ involvement in the slowed Internet and downed cable, students have voiced concern over the Ants’ continued residence in Purcell. “They’ve done nothing but cause trouble since the day they arrived,” said a concerned student. “I know they’ve been here longer than me, but I’m not the one chewing through fiber optic cable and ruining lives.

Some students even took to their smartphones to start a movement against the Ants, using nothing but 3G service, which every now and then dropped down to EDGE. The movement, called “ANTS 2013,” calls all Piedmont students to stand up against the Purcellian Ants’ reign of terror and, through the voice of the students, make a difference for positive change. The acronym “ANTS” stands for “Audacity Never, That’s Science,” which no one involved in the movement would take credit for creating.

Now that the Internet and cable are returning to their normal status, students are relieved they won’t have to use up as much of their data plans to tweet, tumble, and stumble upon while catching up on their favorite shows on Hulu, Netflix and that off-shore site in Europe that hosts the next unreleased season of “Parks & Recreation.”