Piedmont Takes Stand, Bans Assault Fruit

In response to the growing issue of fruit-related incidents, Piedmont College has officially taken a side over the controversial issue of “fruit control.”

A recent undisclosed incident provoked the school to take a firm stance against all assault fruit.

“They have no place on a campus such as ours,” said a representative of the Students Against Assault Fruit Committee.  “We’ve been saying this for a long time.  No one should be bearing assault fruit of any kind.”

The student-led committee has been pushing for change on campus since last year.  

“Our persistence has thankfully paid off,” said the representative.  “Students, faculty, and staff can finally reside on this campus with their minds at ease.”

Others have argued that removing assault fruit will only create a rise in illegal fruit-bearing.  



“Just looking at this logically, taking away the fruit isn’t going to solve the problem,” said the spokesman of the newly formed committee, Students Against Students Against Assault Fruit Committee Committee.  “Fruit throwers will just find a new fruit to throw.  Or they’ll find their favorite fruit somewhere else.  And still throw it.”

SASAAFCC issued an informal statement saying that they were saddened by the school’s decision, because now there was no fruit-related way to keep the doctor away.  They’re also concerned with the overall effect on fruit-eaters after the ban is enacted.

“Now you’ve removed a significant part of fruit-eaters’ diets,” said the SASAAFCC spokesman.  “They may be a niche, but they’re still people.  And now they’re people without fruit.”

The National Fruit Association has remained silent on the issue, and was unavailable for comment at the time of publication.  When word came to SASAAFCC that they were being compared to those fighting the ban of assault weapons and the rising national issue of gun control, the representative simply said, “That’s like comparing apples to oranges.”